How Long Does it Take to Get to Know Someone?

Abel,

I’m truly glad things worked out for you.

I don’t know your story other than your late wife shot herself to death when she was pregnant. Personally, I could never marry someone in the kind of short time periods you talk about. And I wonder (and feel uncomfortable saying this… but you have chosen to make your life public) how you maintain this opinion given what happened in your first relationship?

Doesn’t a long courtship allow you to see warning signs about how a person copes with challenges? I have dated my girlfriend for a year and a half, and I am learning what works and what doesn’t work with her; then, I have to consider whether I can cope with that effectively in the long term.

David

My response:

David,

Some background on my relationship with my late wife: we grew up in the same neighborhood. I knew her for years before we started dating. When we dated, there was no indication that she was suicidal or would emotionally change once she became pregnant.

When we decided to have a child after two years of marriage, there was no indication she’d go off the deep end and take her own life. All of the warning signs occurred after she became pregnant—and even then, the warning signs weren’t always crystal clear. Extending our courtship another month or year wouldn’t have given me some vital information that would have made me change my mind about marrying her.

If anything losing her taught me that I shouldn’t waste time dating or courting someone once I know, I’ve found the right person. That’s why when I realized I could spend the rest of my life happily married to Marathon Girl (and that she felt the same way), there was no point in dating anymore. We’ve been happily married now for seven years.

Like all couples, we’ve had good and bad moments in our relationship, but I can say that an extra month or even an extra year of courting wouldn’t have changed our minds about each other.

I’m not saying you should rush into marriage, but at some point, all the dating in the world isn’t going to give you any further insight into that person. Then you have to ask yourself if you’d be willing to experience all of life’s good and bad moments with that person and no one else. If you are, what’s the point of dating for another two months or two years?

In my experience and those of my friends, extended courtships (1 year or longer) aren’t any more successful than those who married within months of meeting each other. If anything, those in long courtships stand to lose the most if the relationship doesn’t end in marriage because they invested more time in it. If you date someone for a year and you still don’t know whether or not that person’s right for you, then the answer is “no,” and it’s time to quit wasting each other’s time.

There are no guarantees in this life, David. Whether married or single, we’ll go through periods of joy and heartache, riches and poverty. People we love will sometimes make stupid choices. If I could go back, I’d still marry my late wife even if I knew how things would end. Furthermore, I have no qualms about my whirlwind courtship with Marathon Girl. Even if she was to be taken from me tomorrow, I have no regrets about getting down on my knee, asking her to be my wife, and spending seven wonderful years with her. I refuse to live in fear of things out of my control.

We all have the ability to discern and judge for ourselves whether or not the person we’re dating is the one person we hope to spend the rest of our lives with. It’s not just learning how someone reacts to challenges that are important because I guarantee life’s going to throw curveballs at you that neither of you will anticipate. It’s about whether we love someone enough to hold their hand and take a leap of faith and experience life together as husband and wife.

The question for you, David, is whether or not you love this woman enough to take that step.