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Grief/Dispair Healing

WHY DO I FEEL SO STUPID?

LArry Ahrens

WSN: Coffee and Conversation with Larry Ahrens

This grieving process is very devious. You can feel hopeful and blessed one day. And empty and sad the next. Every man in this forum knows what I’m talking about.But nobody told me that grieving would also make you feel kind of dumb.

I didn’t see this coming. I’ve been around electronics my whole life. I got my ham radio license when I was 10 years old and I built my own ham radio set-up in my bedroom – much to the chagrin of my younger brother who shared the same room.

I’ve been operating my own audio studio for many years. I work in broadcasting. Dammit – know what I’m doing!

A few weeks ago, I upgraded my studio computer. The old one was fading fast and I needed more computer power to do my work. True to form, my procrastination in this grieving process kicked in and the new computer sat in the box for almost a week.

Finally, I decided to stop using the new computer as a doorstop, open it up and get everything installed. That meant dismantling the old studio connections and setting everything up new. That’s when it hit me. Grieving makes you procrastinate, it makes you soft, it makes you unmotivated. And it makes you stupid.

For the life of me, I couldn’t reconfigure my own studio without looking up help on YouTube. I struggled with it. I was having real difficulty figuring out what wire went where. Truly this is something I used to do with great speed and skill.

This isn’t about age or losing cognition. It really is part of grieving the loss of my wife.

She was my inspiration. She was my muse. Life with her seemed so easy and natural. It was almost as if nothing could be wrong or go wrong. When you feel that way your innate skills and expertise are at a fine-tuned edge. You can accomplish anything – or so it seems when she is present in your life.

The studio is hooked up and it works very well. But it didn’t have the same satisfaction or feeling of accomplishment as it would have if she was here. There’s a shallowness now to what used to be so meaningful.

It’s going to be OK. But for now, I’m a bit off my game because she’s gone. Hey, I like that. A “bit off my game” sounds better than stupid. So, let’s go with that.

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Larry Ahrens is a radio (KDAZ 96.9 FM) and television (KCHF-TV) personality in Albuquerque, New Mexico where his show, “Coffee and Conversation” is broadcast-ed. Larry’s articles appears every other Thursday, right here, on WSN-MO. You can send private messages to him on Facebook.

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