Throughout my six years of being a widower, I have faced several times that I have been at a crossroads when it comes to making decisions about my future.Do I move, relocate to another city, pursue this relationship are all among the crossroads decisions that have entered my thoughts.

Recently, I have found myself at yet another of those crossroads in my life. You see brothers, I have become tired of carrying the burden of being a widower. Not tired enough that I am going to rush out and get married to escape the designation, but at the point where I feel it is time to reassess what this word widower means in my life now and in the future.

Marker vs Marketing

Recently I was trying to update my profile on one of my social media pages. When it came to listing my relatives, I was unable to list Robyn’s name because I had listed Widowed in my profile. What do you mean she is not my relative! After a few attempts I gave up and moved on in frustration. For some reason throughout the day that encounter frustrated me. I thought back to my vows, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, forsaking all others, until death do us part. I of course had lived up to my vows, so maybe it really is over. While she will remain in my heart and mind forever, could it be that she holds no real status anymore in society? 

As I have so many other times, I took a deep breath we and shook my emotional fist at society and deciding “to hell with your rules” when it comes to her status in my life.

In many ways we at times must decide whether the death of our loved one is a marker in time of our lives or for any of you that have gone on to pursue and find new relationships a marketing tool.

Now I know the term marketing may seem a bit unconventional. But many times, when at the crossroads, we must take a different point of view. See for some, the fact that we are widowed shows some level of commitment. Based on the circumstances of our loved one death, it shows that we remained there until the end. It gives us a designation of dedication in some instances.

Widower vs Single

Another aspect of my life that I believe has triggered some of these feelings for me, is being in the early stages of a very intriguing relationship with a young lady. This young lady is quite a few years younger than I am but so far so good. Do not worry gentlemen I am very aware of not becoming the “old fool”. We have known each other for a few years, and we are proceeding with great respect and caution.

But with this new dalliance, comes the thought I am more single or more widowed? I decided that I do not have to choose. I have decided to stay in the present and not be pulled or directed by this past. Do not choose Terrell, just be! Stay tuned for the occasional update regarding this new adventure.

Crossroads can be a very complicated place to be. It can upset your peace but can also shake you out of your malaise as well. If you are not careful you can fall into a comfortable rut. Alive, but not fully living. My dear brothers, we deserve better than that!

So, there you have it. I feel better getting this off my chest and onto the pages. I have missed communicating with you. But now you know where I have been, at the crossroads, sorting things out. As always, I look forward o your feedback and hope this article provides you with something to consider or in this case avoid if you can. Until next time.

Terrell Whitener is an author, motivational speaker, and coach. Based in St. Louis, Missouri, Terrell is the author of The First 365, Learning to Live After Loss. Terrell can be reached at [email protected], LinkedIn @terrell-whitener or through the Widow Support Network.


4 responses to “Crossroads”

  1. Brian Newkirk Avatar
    Brian Newkirk

    I greatly appreciate your thoughts. I’ve been having thoughts about this myself for several months. Thank you for sharing this.


  2. Rory Avatar

    Man this was so good. I’ve been dealing with those same thoughts concerning widowed vs single. Thank you for the reminder to just be. I’m often trying to force a narrative that I feel I should be. I’m learning that the way I feel is the way I feel. I recently acknowledged to myself that I am looking for a wife and I don’t have to fee guilty about that. Thank you for the post. This was good stuff


  3. Tom Avatar

    I agree that many things in life put us into a “pigeon-hole”. Being a widower is just one example. I have been in this dilemma for a while. Do I remain single to signify my undying love for my wife or take a step in a new direction? I have decided to join a dating service and have had three dates so far. I have to admit I’m uncomfortable since I was married and dedicated for nearly 50 years, but I did enjoy the time spent with each lady. Two of the ladies were widows and the other divorced. I hope I can soon find a companion and the love I hope to have. Thanks for your article and I wish you the best in your pursuit.



    yes we missed your posting. Thank God you are back, and back with a great bang. Great! indeed, crossed road has been my challenge for the past 4 years.. and still not still if i can take a step yet…looking forward for an exciting article from you sir..


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