I feel helpless; how do I help my friend who is grieving?

Recently I spoke with a group of people about grief and grieving, and one person asked me a question I offer as my title for the column I am writing this week.  A young man said he felt sad for his friend who lost his mother and did not know what to do or say.  His biggest fear was saying the wrong phrase or words that would hurt or offend his friend.  I offered him and the group some suggestions on things you can do to help a grieving person.

As a Widower, I told them I didn’t want to hear phrases like: “She is in a better place, or It is God’s will.”  I am a religious man who has studied the bible, and I do not believe God wills anyone to die; It happens, and God does not interfere with free will and nature.  What’s best to do, I think are simple, common-sense ideas that all of us can think of and do.  Avoid any words or phrases that might cause pain or sorrow.

First, I would become a good listener.  Listen to the person grieving; they are not looking to you for answers; they want someone to hear their story.  Sometimes a simple nod, a smile, or a gentle touch on the shoulder says I am here for you and that can be a gift to someone in pain.  Look around the apartment or house: maybe some dishes need to be washed and dried.  Offer to do the laundry and figure out how you can help.

You can offer to do the grocery shopping.  Maybe take the children to school and pick them up if needed.  Take the dog for a walk and offer to clean the house or apartment.  Perhaps the car needs a good wash offer to do that.  Maybe you can offer to cook a meal or if you are not a good cook bring them food from a family take-out place.

You can make it even easier by calling Uber Eats or Door dash – free plug for both -and having food delivered to their house.

Offer your unique skills to the grieving person; you are giving a gift to someone hurting, which is appreciated.  Maybe you have a skill as an accountant or a strong financial background you can offer to help if they want you to help.  Perhaps they need someone to speak on their behalf, so you can be that person.

There are so many ways you can be helpful to a person dealing with grief by just being present.  I have highlighted several ways you can help.  If you are religious, take them to church or offer to pray with them.  I know each one of us can suggest even more ways.  The grieving person, and I know as a Widower, is most grateful for your help.