ROB

“I have been looking forward to our visit ever since you promised to come to see me at my wife’s funeral,” Rob began.  “I would give about anything if someone would just show up at my house, uninvited, and offer to talk or do something for me.  In my grief, I don’t always know what I need these days since Diana died.  Thank you so much for our visit.”

Forty-seven years is a long time to be married and then suddenly be alone.  Diana’s memorial service was small and informal but meaningful for the family.  My wife and I had driven two hours to be a part of the celebration of a life well lived.  Following the ceremony, I approached Rob and offered to meet with him in a few months when most of his friends and family would “pull away” from him.  My grief experiences told me he would appreciate an experienced ear at that time.

Rob’s eagerness to talk when we got together indicated my thoughts were on track.  Our two-hour talk ranged from loneliness to the afterlife.  He was free to rehearse his pain, his wife’s health battle, and his eventual loss for me.  He shared how he was coping with the process of living without her and what things he struggles with (i.e., cooking, etc.).

One of the positive notes in our time together was when he told me about John.  Uninvited, John called nearly every day and came by to check on him a couple of times each week.  Rob described how this new friend seemed to be in tune with his emotional state.  John even guided him to be a part of a men’s group that offered freedom to express help to whoever needed it.  He was so thankful for such a thoughtful and helpful friend at this time in his life.

Sadly, not everyone who experiences the loss of a spouse benefits from a friend like John, who comes alongside and is an active listener.  The common reality is that surrounding friends and even some family members begin to “move on” with their own lives, not realizing that grief often lingers deeply for months and months after a severe loss.  All of which is normal, if not necessary.

Rob concurred that amid his hurting soul, it was often difficult to make some decisions or come to a resolution to their shared future plans.  Having others help with various things has eased the weightiness of his grieving journey as he adjusts to being alone.

Being a friend that makes a difference to the bereaved is more than a hit-n-run situation.  It can often mean a commitment for up to a year.  And as Rob’s experience proves, there’s room for more than one friend.

If you find yourself now helping a fellow griever, many suggestions for helping can be found in the resource book; I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY; Being A Better Friend To Those Who Experience Loss.  If you are profoundly grieving and wish someone would get what you’re going through, maybe show them this article and hint.