HEAD-BASED VS. HEART-BASED

David Knapp

One of the potential grieving methods I found could be called “head-based vs. heart-based” grieving. The head-based part would be when I used simple logic to deal with my loss. “She’s in a better place.” “I am strong and can get through this.” “I know things will get better for me.” The use of head knowledge and reason has its place. Studies show that many men often use this style of mourning quite successfully. They tend to act or do something in memory of their loved one that “makes sense” in their grieving days. If you find this style helpful, don’t feel guilty about it.

The heart-based part of the grieving process is often what folks tend to expect. Studies again show that this method is common among many women; however, many men also include this in their mourning process. Guilt can creep in when “heart-based” grieving sessions seem excessive or lacking. These are times when your emotions seem out of control and all-consuming. The only things that really matter to you are your emotions and grieving. Your pain grips your very soul and swells up on the inside. It feels inconsolable at times.

I have examples during my mourning months where I was misunderstood because I demonstrated one or the other of these methods. During my first wife’s loss, I tended to only use the head-based style in public and kept my emotional outburst sessions to myself. Her father later told me that he thought I did not cry at all for her loss. He was relieved to learn differently.

In contrast, after my second wife, Judith, passed away, I was free to weep openly at church social gatherings. A couple of weeks later, one of the church’s people told a pastor I was not handling the mourning process well and needed counseling. I say all that to give you the freedom to apply whichever method of grieving suits you and your personality — It is okay.

The emotional waves during my grieving periods did not always follow logic but were real nonetheless. I could be thinking about circumstances or people when guilt, anger, relief, regret, stress and jealousy, and the like would pop up in my heart in ways that did not necessarily make sense. Because emotions don’t always follow reason, they can be disconcerting to deal with. Time, talking, and identification often aid in dealing with these feelings. Again, not everyone experiences all these emotions the same way. I am just admitting that I had at least short struggles with these.

Learning to cope with my emotions was a new experience for me. Not being known for expressing feelings, I was suddenly thrust into a reality I had only observed in others. Writing down lessons I was learning through my pain helped me. Finding a safe place to express my emotions was another benefit I learned to seek after. Acceptance, expression, and time can be some of your best approaches to dealing with your out-of-control emotions.