How Long Does Grief Last? Hint: It’s A Journey

It’s a common question posed by those of us who have suffered a loss. It’s our attempt to understand or attach meaning to something unfathomable. In my case, I lost my spouse; it makes no sense, and I need to understand how I can deal with the unbearable pain that has broken my heart.

In the early days of my grief journey, I remember doing a Google search to see if someone had a time frame on how long grief lasts. The internet has many opinions, from respected psychotherapists and grief counselors to individuals who have lost loved ones and want to share their stories. Views on grief range from six to eight weeks to a minimum of six months or longer, and sometimes it can last for a few years. My reaction was that there is no consensus on how long grief lasts; it varies from person to person.

I think it’s important to understand the truth of that previous statement: there is no timeframe for grief. Each one’s journey is different and varies. It is also important to realize that grief comes in waves. There will be times when you think I am doing well; I feel good, I am moving in a new direction and in a good place. Then out of the blue comes a wave that sets you back. It’s not something you can control; it is triggered by a memory, a place, a song, a trip you have taken, or something that takes you back to that time you and your spouse shared and that you greatly miss.

It’s ok to take that time and fondly recall those special moments. There is nothing wrong with shedding those tears and feeling the loss. It is all part of the journey. It takes time to move forward, and it takes courage to take those steps to move in a new direction in your life. Unfortunately, we live in a society that does not appreciate the meaning of loss. No one wants to talk about death. When someone dies, friends pause for a short time, extend their condolences, and then return to their lives. Our society wants us to move, not move forward.

Too many people act as if our spouse never existed and are afraid to ask how we are doing or afraid they will trigger tears and don’t want to see us cry because they don’t know how to respond to our vulnerability. We have so much work to do to get our friends and others to understand that grief is a journey. It is different for each of us, and it is essential to understand that there is no timeline for long it will last. Remember that some may experience prolonged grief and require help from a professional to cope with life and learn how to move forward again. It is a journey that we travel, one that can provide opportunities for growth and joy.

The two best gifts, and yes, I say gifts I experienced from the pain of my loss, are gratitude and empathy. I have learned so much from the death of my wife, and I appreciate and will always cherish everything she taught me and the love she so generously gave me. It was frightening and, at times, unbearably sad to be at her bedside in her final days as I saw the love of my life suffer. I witnessed a woman of great courage teach me how to die with dignity and grace. I am forever grateful for that final gift she gave to me.

I also am empathetic to others who have suffered a loss. I know the pain of losing a loved one. I know how difficult it can be and the importance of having someone and others who understand what we, the bereaved, experience. I also know that the grief journey gets easier with time, the help of friends, and a support group. It doesn’t go away but becomes an opportunity for personal growth.