Keep trying to be the man she loved.

Recently I was watching a tv show in which one character; a widower asked another character; also, a widower slightly longer in grief than the first character “How do I go on? I am lost. “The character who had been a widower longer paused and then said; “I keep trying to be the man she loved.” Those words resonated in me and caused me to look at how I am moving forward in my grief. Those words are replete with the richness and depth we all need to travel the new road circumstances have presented to us.

Over three years ago my wife died and my world like each of you came tumbling down. I saw no hope but only a life of what could have been; a road ahead without the one person who loved and cared for me: my soulmate. I only saw the past: no future, no opportunities, and no light ahead of me. As a way of finding peace, I found two men who guided me along this perilous path into a new way of thinking and living. Fred Colby, author of Widower to Widower guided me through his words of wisdom and invited me to his support group. With my brothers in that group, I began to see ways I could move forward. I also had the opportunity to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only Facebook page and through the generosity, kindness, compassion, and friendship of Our Founder Herb Knoll I found hope. When I joined, I purchased Herb’s book The Widowers Journey and he signed my book and wrote as he does for each widower “Honor your wife’s life by living yours.” Herb often tells new widowers be the man your wife chose to be her husband.

Somehow, I think that tv show heard Herb’s words and rewrote them into keep trying to be the man she loved. Herb you may have a plagiarism case against that show. But seriously I often think about Herb’s words and being the man, my wife chose as a guide for moving forward. It is like a GPS for getting to a new destination. I can hear my wife’s voice still guiding me when I am confronting a difficult decision or facing challenging times. For over thirty years I knew what she would tell me to do and still know how she would guide me today.

Obviously, she saw qualities in me that made her choose me to become her husband. She saw a partner, lover, friend, protector, and other qualities that I never really thought about until recently. She reminded me to always move forward and never to give up. Before she passed, she told me I must keep doing the things we loved doing. Reluctantly, I told her I did not think I could, to which she replied how I would find the way. Once again, she was right.

I had to step outside of my comfort zone and find new opportunities and new paths to travel. I have learned to do the things I love doing on a regular basis. I often visit with friends from high school and college who live in New York City. I co -facilitate a support group for my church. I travel to the southern part of the United States to be with my family every few months. I often speak to newly bereaved people who have lost loved ones. I encourage them to join a support group. I tell them support groups are as brother Ben Jones says, “A sanctuary of empathy and wisdom.”

I tell each one who loses a loved one that the road we travel will be difficult but navigable. It requires work and it mandates each of us to find the things that help us to grow and move forward. I completely enjoy reading the post of brothers who have found Chapter two in their lives. With trepidation they took the plunge and found someone who helped them to love different to quote a song written by our founder.

Moving forward is a choice but it is one that offers opportunities for growth, peace, and joy. I wish you all strength and solace as you travel the road to be the man she loved.