Quick Hitters are brief responses to Questions posed by author Fred Colby to his fellow WSN contributors. They offer a variety of perspectives on some of the most challenging questions facing new widowers. Enjoy.
Quick Hitter Question #5: Is it okay to Bury Myself in Projects or Work to Avoid Grieving?
Jesse Brisendine:
Staying busy is great! Avoiding feeling your feelings is not. We tend to want to bury (avoid) our emotions because they are so painful and can be all-consuming.
Remember this: We depress what we do not express. Often, what we call “stuck states” or “chronic emotional conditions” like depression, anxiety, etc….. are the outcomes of a habit of depressing emotions and not expressing them.
My suggestion: Do as many projects as you would like. Work all the hours you want. AND carve time in your schedule, even if it is just 5 to 10 minutes, to still and be present to what you are feeling/going through. This gives you a healthy, dedicated time every day to express some of that emotion (energy) and avoid depressing it.
You have been through a life-changing experience. It deserves to be fully acknowledged for what it is and not avoided. Taking time daily to express your feelings will help you tremendously on the path of healing.
Abel Keogh
There’s nothing wrong with keeping yourself busy. After losing a spouse, it’s better to be busy than have nothing to do. However, if you’re using work or hobbies to delay working on any grief work, it will bite you in the butt. You can stay busy AND work on grieving and moving forward. After losing my wife, I used to run to work through whatever issues I was dealing with that day and then went about my day. Having time to think and grieve made it easier to start Chapter 2 when I was finally ready to take that step. Delaying grief work only prolongs the agony of losing a spouse.
Jim Winner:
I don’t think you want to avoid grief. I believe grief is a process, not a destination, and we, as travelers, must allow ourselves to go through that process… Yes, by being busy, I think you continue your life. Get re-engaged with what you did before without letting it be your whole being. You’ve still got a life to live. It will be a different life; however, it’s still your life. This is the time to try new things… Take music lessons, do something for yourself, and take time for YOU.
Christine Baumgartner:
Yes, I think it’s okay to busy yourself with projects if you balance it with friends and family and time to ‘feel your feelings.’ I think time with your projects is a helpful way to give yourself a break from your feelings.
Tom Peyton:
Mistake number 1: Grief like the old commercial that the New Jersey State Tax Department
ran years ago about tax cheats: It said one way or another, where are going to find you and we will get you, and you will go to jail.
Greif is like that; it cannot be avoided or escaped.
It does not mean it cannot be dealt with effectively.
My grief counselor used to say to me, “Can you befriend grief”?
I would say NO way. What I learned to do, however, is to live with it.
Grief is a part of my life, not the whole of my life.
I accept it; I know there are times it will knock me down, but I do not let it control every aspect of my life. Befriend it (not sure if it’s possible) and peacefully co-exist.
Barry Selby
Burying yourself in anything will avoid the grief; however, the grief won’t go away. Avoiding grief doesn’t work, and it is only a delaying tactic. Grief is a reminder that you loved deeply. As painful as it might sound, you will only come to peace when you let the grief run its course. Get support, and find people who will accept you and your grief. It will abate if you let it.
Suggested Books from Barry:
The Grief Recovery Handbook – John James & Russell Friedman – https://a.co/d/0ZGVZXx
Hardcore Grief Recovery – Steve Case – https://a.co/d/h2lmNW0
Grief Day By Day – Jan Warner – https://a.co/d/3XZFtiA
Quotes referenced by Barry:
“What is grief, if not love persevering?” – Wandavision
“Remember- grief doesn’t keep you connected to them; it keeps you connected to their death. Love is the eternal connection to their Soul.” Sarah Renee
Widowers Support Network 
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