Custodian of Memories of Your Wife

You, a widowed man, probably are your wife’s main custodian of memories. Custodian here means “caretaker” and “preserver,” not “janitor.” It’s very likely you knew your wife better than anyone else did. The fact that you lived with her, shared her life, and knew her joys and sorrows makes you a privileged caretaker.

Your children knew your wife from the time they were toddlers, but they didn’t know what she was like before they knew her. As they grow older, your children may become curious about her and ask questions. Be prepared to answer their questions, but don’t feel obligated to tell them things that sometimes annoyed you about your wife. They don’t need to know everything about her, and they don’t need to know everything about the life the two of you shared.

Don’t present your wife to her children as a saint who never showed her temper and never lost patience with you or the children. She was a human being, and she could be imperfect like the rest of us. If you were to make your children think their mother was perfect, they may become discouraged with themselves in their humanity. They may hold up her perfection to their spouses, and that may damage their marriages.

We widowed men don’t stop loving our departed wives, even if we remarry. Memories of your life with her is a treasure for you, but your new wife can’t fully share that treasure with you. If you remarry, focus on your new wife, and be assured that your first wife is nodding in agreement if she can see you.