MEN HEAR MEN

’’Men tend to replace while women process.”

That statement may have some truth, but hopefully, it is not always true. Men need to process their grief as well. Then, there is the time factor to consider. Generally, men can take 6 to 18 months to process their grief; women tend to take one to two years to gain relief. No set time requirement exists. Each person grieves differently.

 I received an email from a friend who suddenly lost his wife about five months earlier asking me how I found a new life partner following my wife’s death. What do I say? Do I encourage him to press on in looking for a replacement, or do I recommend he wait longer?

 My comments to my friend included an honest reply with my evaluation of my grieving process, which required nine months before I felt I could love again romantically.  

 An audience I spoke to the year after Judith’s death numbered over one thousand. “What have you learned through your mourning process?” was the topic requested. Following the closing remarks, a long line formed to chat with me. I observed a notable difference with this lineup: the large number of men in line. In previous years, I noticed a common tendency for ladies to chat with me when the topic had an emotional expression. This time, nearly half of those in line were men who had lost a spouse. From many of the men, one of the comments I heard included, “It was refreshing to hear someone express what I have been going through.” I also realized the conversations with the men differed in nature from those with widowed ladies in line.

 One of the ladies from the audience approached me with a smile through her tears. She immediately began by telling me her story. She described some examples that depicted her journey since her husband died. There was an apparent connection between what I had shared and her experiences. Behind her was a square-jawed gentleman with a military haircut. A tear glistened in his eye. When our hands touched, he said, “I almost didn’t come this morning. I’m glad I did. You ministered to me.” I replied briefly. His lip began to quiver, and he turned to walk away. I later learned that over six men in that audience had lost their wives in the previous year. He was one of them.

That experience accentuated a casual observation I made years before. Men and women tend to process grief differently. After Ruth’s death, I sought out other men who had lost their wives to discuss my journey. I tried to be careful about talking to widows because the meeting might be viewed as inappropriate. One of my observations included that women often invited conversations about their grief, whereas men acknowledged it when asked.

You can learn more about grief with the book I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Available at https://www.griefreliefministries.com/book