Grief cannot be fixed, but you can adapt to a new way of living.

I had the pleasure of speaking to a grief support group in New York City just before Christmas, and I offered them some ways to deal with grief during the holidays. Several of the participants in the group asked me if grief ever goes away. I used the sage words offered by the late Kennedy matriarch Rose Kennedy, who said, and I paraphrase, “It never completely goes away, but your brain learns how to deal with it so that you can continue to move forward in life”. Certainly, she was a woman who suffered from an inordinate amount of grief yet was able to continue to live her life and be the boulder of support her family needed.

I don’t know if I gave comfort to those who posed the question to me, but it did cause me to ponder about how I view grief almost four years after my wife died. Initially, my grief was unbearable and overwhelming and caused both physical and emotional pain that those who had not experienced it could never understand. My tears and sadness were followed by a multiplicity of questions of why and what I could have or should have done, as it haunted me for a long time. As Dr. Mary Frances O’Connor of the University of Arizona states in her seminal book The Grieving Mind, the stages of grief are not linear and are not restricted to the five original stages outlined by Dr. Kubler-Ross many years ago. Greif is complex and difficult to comprehend.

 As time has passed and I have met some incredible and gifted widowers and widows, I read the profound words of wisdom from experts in this field as I am learning how to move forward in my life. I still cry and shed tears, and I still struggle with the loss of my wife, and I still look for support as I move forward in my life. The support from my fellow widowers in the Widowers Support Network along with the opportunity to lead support groups has given me strength as I travel this journey.  I have met and spoken to so many people who understand loss and have given me the strength to keep going forward. 

It gives me comfort when I can listen to someone who has suffered a loss. I can empathize with them and allow them to feel comfortable sharing with me as I share with them how I have dealt with my loss. Greif has entered my life on several occasions, and it will continue as family and friends will all pass away. If I have one piece of advice to share, I tell others who have suffered loss I simply say you will reach a point in your new life when you feel gratitude. You will laugh at the wonderful memories and feel the love that still exists between you and your loved one. Death, as I have said in the past, takes a life, but it cannot take love. Grief, as Dr. O’Connor states, is a learning process. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to adapt to a new way. I could have stayed angry and frustrated and truly become a grumpy old man, or I could continue to learn from this experience and find ways to honor my wife as she would want me to honor her