QUICK HITTERS # 8

Quick Hitters are brief responses to Questions posed by author Fred Colby to his fellow WSN contributors. They offer a variety of perspectives on some of the most challenging questions facing new widowers. Enjoy.

Quick Hitter Question #8: When should I consider signing up for Grief Therapy or a Grief Group? How can this help me?

Jim Winner:

I sought help when I realized I felt completely alone and at the bottom. I didn’t want to go to a grief support group, I didn’t want anything to do with it, however, I went. Most of the time I just listened, and that helped me to realize I wasn’t doing this alone. So many men think they need to be strong and just muscle through it… That doesn’t work when it comes to grief. If you have friends that have gone through the process, ask them what worked for them. Most of the larger churches have grief support groups. These groups are often open to people whether they’re members of those churches or not. It’s a good way to fraternize with people that are walking the same walk we are.

Michael Burroughs:

Soon after your wife’s funeral service, begin looking for a good grief counselor. Use the Internet to identify a few from which to choose. Pick one and begin. Meet every two weeks if you can. If you’re not satisfied, try another counselor until you are satisfied. Many counselors take Medicare or health insurance.  Find a grief support group right away. Participate.  Being with others who are grieving is very therapeutic. Empathy abounds in these groups. 

Barry Selby:

You should consider seeking grief support as soon as you are able and willing to. Grief happens, and it moves how it moves. There is no timeframe or schedule, so get grief support as soon as possible, so it doesn’t overwhelm you. Grief counseling or therapy can be a lifesaver and a reminder that love continues even after loss.

Fred Colby:

Grief therapy, in the form of individual and group counseling, saved me! I am a huge advocate for it and believe strongly that the sooner you get into grief therapy the better. After my wife, Theresa, passed I signed up for a sort of introductory 3-week grief group for those who just lost a loved one. It was helpful to a point because I learned that others were suffering as I was. I also signed up for individual grief counseling sessions (about three months were covered by Medicare) which I found immensely valuable as I could talk about tough issues with someone who had extensive experience in supporting those who had lost a loved one.

I then joined a larger grief group for men and women, that was almost exclusively widows and widowers. Here I was outnumbered by a ratio of 8 women for every man. Again, it was helpful, but I wanted more in terms of being able to discuss some difficult topics related to the male experience. I helped to start a Men’s Grief Group at the local hospice, and it took off… eventually having between 12 and 18 participants at every meeting. This was even more helpful to me… and many of the widowers expressed their deep gratitude for the group.

As others have mentioned above, if your first counselor or first group is not doing it for you, don’t be afraid to leave that one and find others more in tune with your needs. I always stress that you want to find a real “grief counselor” not a general therapist as they often are not as well trained to deal with issues arising from the loss of a long-term spouse.

Tom Peyton

Fortunately, my friend from high school is an Episcopal priest and former hospice chaplain who stood by me during the final days of my wife’s life and spent many hours listening and encouraging me as I took my journey one step at a time. He said that I might find peace from a support group. I joined and found it to be as one of my brothers in the WSN says “a sanctuary of empathy and wisdom”. It is the only place where you can find people who fully understand you. They know the pain, loneliness, and isolation we all experience. They offer advice and wisdom on things that have helped them to move forward.

Thanks to my friend, Fred Colby as well, who helped me in the early days of my grief as a member of his support group. I am forever indebted to him and Herb Knoll and all my brothers on the WSN Facebook page for giving me hope and peace. A grief support group, I believe, is the rest stop we need to refill our tanks, fill our bellies, and get back on the road to continue the journey our wives would want us to travel.