By Jay Deutsch
We met when we were both 18. We were both kids running from our childhood traumas. It was 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 at first sight for both of us and we spent all of our time together. Since she suffered from anxiety, depression, and mental illness there was little she wanted to do without me so we did everything together. After 26 years together it was all I knew. I was never alone. We loved each other, with all of our hearts. Soulmates.
When she left us I was alone for the first time in my life. I didn’t have many friends because we did everything together, just the two of us. The few friends I did have abandoned me as most do when we lose a loved one and especially to suicide. They don’t know what to say so they say nothing and slowly back away. Besides, grief makes us no fun to be around. We are bitter, angry, sad, filled with hate. Basically we bring everyone else down. Who would want to be around that? It’s contagious.
I did have my kids so I put all my focus there. They became my best friends and my only company. Besides, at 3 & 13 with no mommy, they needed me there too. After 4.5 years I met Colleen, it was love at first sight once again. The connection was intense to say the least. It opened up my heart again but sadly it only lasted 4 months. She was grieving the recent suicide of her father and I was still hurting from my loss.
The breakup destroyed me. I went though hell, again. They call it “dark night of the soul”. The term “dark night of the soul” in spirituality describes a period in the journey toward union with God, Source, or the Universe. It kick-started my healing and my awakening. My change in mindset and new positive outlook on life helped me face my loneliness and grief with hope and positivity.
I continued to “𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠” on my grief, abandonment issues, fear of rejection, and codependency. Some of the wounds I developed as a child that were ripped open again with her suicide. I learned that I can not find what I was missing inside me from something or someone outside of me. I had to face my grief and my loneliness. No one can complete me, make me happy, or feel love again. Those were things I had to rebuild in myself by myself for myself.
I love myself and I love my life. That is what makes me complete.
I trust that if I am meant to find love again I will. I do not look for it or feel empty without it. I am love.
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