You must open yourself up again if you ever want to heal.

One of my favorite tv shows is NCIS. I love the characters, the plot lines, and the exciting stories they investigate. Obviously, it’s a show that deals with death in every episode, but it’s also a show in which the main characters learn to deal with personal tragedy and how to deal with grief. In a recent episode, one character tells another that you have to open yourself up if you ever want to heal. I have been pondering that line for a couple of weeks now, as I think it offers some great insight into grief.

As I reflect on my three-year journey since my wife died, I recall, at times with pain and sadness, those unbearable early days and weeks. Open myself up; talk initially about how I felt. Share with others my emotions; I was not ready to speak about it at first. I wanted to stay by myself and avoid interaction with others. Family and friends asked how I was doing, and I would say ok. That answer satisfied them, as I knew they did not want to hear me talk about my pain. Social amenities dictated. I think they pose the question hoping I will give a brief and concise answer. I wanted to say very little and avoid stepping out of the grief haven that held me initially.

Over time I found the groups I needed and spoke weekly to my grief counselor, who encouraged me to take baby steps to move forward. He told me it’s ok to stay in a place that gives you temporary protection from your pain, but the challenge is to step out and figure out how to start the healing. How do I heal? What must I do to start feeling better, even if only for a day or week and hopefully longer?

I know I had to find people who understood my pain and could identify with my pain. I think it’s essential to find a counselor who knows what grief entails and can lead you down the path toward hope. I encourage others dealing with grief to take the time to find that person who can offer them sound advice and support, as the journey takes time, patience, and a willingness to try.

If you are religious, seek a cleric who can help you understand the journey of grief and what scriptural passages can offer you peace and comfort. If you can find a good grief counselor, as I did, someone who works for a hospice program and has years of experience as a bereavement counselor, it is of great help. Their insights and support are crucial in helping us walk the road we all travel.

As I have done, teach your friends that it’s ok to speak about your late spouse and keep her memory alive. Encourage them to share stories about your late loved one. It makes them feel at ease and keeps the bond alive with our loved ones who continue to influence our lives. Healing takes a lot of hard work, but you can get to a new path in life with practice.

As the New York City folklore story goes, A tourist would often ask: “How do I get to Carnegie Hall”? The answer is always the same: practice, practice, practice; the same goes for healing.