Reminiscing – does it hurt, or does it heal?

How often have people tried to console you after losing your loved one with the cliché, “Thank God you have your memories?” My memories were my worst nightmare! They were a constant reminder of my loss. They brought me no consolation. Yet, for others they browse through pictures and videos reliving precious moments. Each of us has our way of coping with grief. Is it healthy, however, for us to reminisce? Is there a certain period in this grief walk that is better for reminiscing? Yes and No. I needed to learn how to function again. For the better part of a year and a half, I had my ‘fight’ on. My memories made me weak, and I lost my resolve to survive. My loss was too painful; blocking out all those beautiful life memories with my husband was just my coping skill. Yet, ever so often, a memory will pop back up – either on Facebook or in my mind. It will instantly send me into a tailspin. I will dwell on it momentarily, take a deep breath, and tell myself to keep looking ahead. Surviving this nightmare has been my focus. No looking back, no looking around, no peripheral vision – single-minded focus requires tunnel vision. That is what has worked for me thus far. In many ways, my grief is stuffed down somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart. Unbeknownst to me, it is eating away at the essence of my personhood. How do I balance grieving and not letting my grief get the better of me? How do I approach the future without losing the beauty of my past?

In some very unplanned and unforeseen ways, my past has revisited me. Today, on a short weekend trip, I impulsively drove 10 miles to the nearest beach. I had no idea where I was going except that it was the nearest beach. As I pulled into the parking area on this quiet Sunday morning, I saw before me landmarks that were so familiar. In an instant, I knew where I was – unwittingly, I had revisited the beach where my husband and I had our last weekend getaway just a couple of months before he unexpectedly passed away. Memories flooded my mind, and sadness overwhelmed my heart; I was bordering on a state of panic. As I walked the beach, I relived memories, increasingly getting a sense of my husband walking by my side and missing his presence simultaneously. Then grief took over. I sat on the bench we last sat on together – only this time, I was alone. Pain seared through my heart. I wept like I had not wept in a long time. I did not want to leave because I felt like I was with him when I was there. I did not want to stay because I could not stand the hopelessness of the moment. Finally, the parking meter won! I drove away.

God has the incredible ability to orchestrate situations in our life, in His time and in His way, to bring us back to a place of grief one more time. A place of sorrow and tears is also a place of healing. I am sorrowful yet thankful. I was ambushed by grief, but I believe it was just another necessary step in my healing.

Jeremiah 30:17

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the Lord!