IN HER NAME

When our wives pass, we often ask, “How can we remember, honor, and love them going forward?” That is a huge question for many of us. The answer often plays a significant role in processing and healing our grief.

If all we do is hide in our homes and scream, cry, and suffer alone while drinking another bottle, we are not going to leave much of a legacy in her name. Our anger and sorrow, if left unchecked, will begin to define us and our memories of her. Eventually, this downer existence will color all our relationships, cutting us off from the very people (family and friends) we now need most.

I could have easily gone down this path myself. During the first couple of months, I chose this path. But I soon realized how self-destructive and self-perpetuating this behavior was. I realized that nothing would bring her back and that I needed to remember, honor, and love her going forward in a way that was a tribute to her wonderful life and all she had instilled in me.

Over the next few months, I started three projects that allowed me to process my grief. Each of them helped me to honor her memory through personal and unique ways that I knew others would appreciate. These included:

1. Creating a scrapbook with the help of friends and family that consisted of my wife’s beautiful creations during her card-making days.
2. Identifying several photographs of her that represented different stages of her life. I then made enlargements of each and mounted them on a tribute wall where my daughters, grandchildren, and I could go to remember her for a few moments.
3. Sorting through thousands of old photos of our family and my wife and then sharing these with family and friends.

Each of these helped me to celebrate her life, contributions, and spirit. Once completed, I was in a much better place mentally. These acts helped enable me to move on, free from all the anger and pain that I had experienced previously. During this time, I began to write my book, Widower to Widower, to help my fellow widowers through this experience.

And now, seven years later, I can still pull out those scrapbooks and photos if I want to take a few moments to remember, honor, and love her. If I had waited years to do these projects, I doubt I could have done them justice. I needed to be in that moment at that time to be able to capture both the pain of loss and the gratitude for her being a part of my life. These projects captured all that and more, allowing me to carry mementos forward as I entered a new chapter of my life.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation regarding how to best remember, honor, and love your wife, please take the time to identify some projects that will help your healing process. Will it be painful? Yes! But that is o.k. Our pain must be faced and processed for us to heal. Once your projects are finished, you will feel better and know you have done something meaningful for her, your family, and you.

© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower – available through all major booksellers and libraries.

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