Learn to Live in Joy, Not the Pain and Sadness.

Someone recently asked me: “What’s the most difficult part of losing your spouse”?  I said: “How much time do you have”? as my answer will be long.

In the interest of brevity, however, I said after the early dark days, weeks, and months, I started to see some signs of hope. I put into place guardrails to help me along the path of grief and to allow me to come to grips with the new companion in my life called grief. I listened to the wisdom of my grief counselor; I gained insights from the men in my support group who offered ideas and suggestions on how to deal with the challenges grief poses.  Simple, sound advice on how to get through the unexpected companion called grief. It appears at any time and is triggered often by any number of things. From a song on the radio to walking through a grocery store, to receiving a phone call from an old friend, or just sitting quietly, it pops up and causes tears and sadness.

What has been most helpful to me is learning how to smile and laugh at the funny times I shared with my wife. They say laughter is the best medicine, and I believe it is a necessary analgesic that helps lessen the pain. I recently listened to Martin Short, a very successful comedian, speak about the loss of his wife ten years ago. He talked about their 37-year marriage and that when he wrote his memoir it was his way of keeping her alive. What a great way to keep her legacy alive!

Too often in our society, we find people who say that speaking about the dead is anathema. It is something so many don’t want to do. I am offended when I hear that people do not want to share about their loved ones who have died.

My wife lived for 72 years. She was a wonderful person who raised three children and impacted the lives of many. She showed unwavering compassion to all she met. Her life continues to grow through me and our children, grandchildren and the many friends and relatives she touched in her life. I believe it is necessary for my well-being to keep her memory alive and share stories of who she was. It’s our responsibility to share that legacy.

The challenge of grief, I believe, is learning how-to live-in joy. Our lives were enhanced by our years together and are forever changed by our late wives. We learned so much and, in my case, gained wisdom, love, and support in all I do. I continue to feel her presence as I walk in joy of who she was. I feel her presence; I hear her voice, and I laugh when I do something stupid, usually a few times a week, better than daily. I can hear her correcting me, cajoling me, and sharing a hearty laugh.  I see her love in my children and grandchildren, who are reflections of her life and love.

Learning to live in joy means trying to find those things that bring you peace and comfort. May I suggest making a list of the attributes you loved about your spouse. Think of why you loved those things she did and taught you. Then learn to live in joy and Pay It Forward!