Looking back to move ahead.

Over the past few weeks, I have been re-reading my journals. At the suggestion of my grief counselor over two- and one-half years ago, I started to write a journal. I have many composition books that contain my feelings, thoughts, and emotions that chronicle the last three years of my journey in the world of grief.

 It is fascinating to me how I initially felt profound anger and resentment along with a panoply of emotions that, in some ways, ruled my life. I re-read conversations I had with my grief counselor in which I was so angry at my wife’s death and went through a gamut of whom to blame conjoined with the would have, could have, and should have thoughts that controlled my feelings at the time. It took a lot of work for me to move ahead as I had to concede to my loss and realize I was not alone.

 I read the posts on the Widowers Support Network Facebook page and saw some hope, dimly initially, in the writings of so many brothers. I joined a support group of men and women who shared how they felt and expressed what I would possibly experience, along with their ideas on how to deal with my pain and anguish. I found my friend Fred Colby who authored the book Widower to Widower. Fred invited me to join a support group for widowers he led from across the country. I found a group of men who understood me and gave me hope and solace, along with laughs and peace. It was not easy because it required me to let go of the past and those things that prevented me from moving into my future.

I was frightened to move forward alone. As I re-read everything I wrote from my past, I always had my anchor, my wife, who supported, comforted, and gave me inspiration and hope to do so many things. I felt as if I was sailing alone and into uncharted territory. The reality is, yes, I was sailing into uncharted territory but not alone. The support from fellow widowers and widows, along with the inspiring words from so many of our generous writers; the posts from so many of our brothers who have taken the bold step to start anew, gave me peace and strength. I witnessed the tremendous generosity of Herb Knoll, our Founder who wrote The Widowers Journey describing the path he and so many of us experienced as we lost our spouses. His largess cannot be understated as he created the Facebook page that offers hope to widowers around the world. Herb’s dedication and commitment to helping all of us learn to navigate grief is unparalleled.

I am blessed to have found so many friends in this group. I have learned that my loss has led me to find a path I thought I would never travel. I lead support groups and try to help everyone I encounter who has lost a loved one find the path to hope. I hope to turn my writings into a book of inspiration soon that can be a source of strength for others who have experienced loss. I am trying to pay forward to all who helped me along the way.

As I re-read what I have written over the past three years, I see a road still not fully built, but I am trying to travel it with joy and hope each day. I am finding my purpose and using my talents to be present to others and to offer solace to those in pain. I wish each of you the strength to travel the road you are on and know I and so many others are here to pick you up, carry you or walk with you. You are not alone.