The Heart Expands

I had known one of Dana’s best friends (Laura) since first grade. With nowhere to really go where I felt comfortable, I started stopping by her apartment after Dana’s death. We’d share stories of Dana, while allowing each other to be comfortable in our grief.

Shortly thereafter, Shelly moved in with Laura. I vaguely knew Shelly from junior high school and as a friend of Dana’s. Shelly felt tremendous sorrow for me and all I was going through. We became very close friends and would confide a lot in each other.

A couple of years later, my parents sold our family supermarkets in California to spearhead getting me out of town into a new beginning two thousand miles away. We bought three Piggly Wiggly supermarkets in Western Kentucky. This is the point my life really began to move forward with some sort of hope for the future.

Laura and Shelly continued to be extremely close and valuable friends to me.

Six months into my new journey in Kentucky, Shelly came to visit. As a total surprise to us both, our relationship changed during this visit. With such a strong foundation built from being the best of friends, our romantic relationship then progressed quickly, and within two months, we were engaged to be married.

This sent shockwaves to our hometown. People expected me to get on with my life, but how dare I do it with somebody they know?

I’m sure many of you can relate to this type of judgment. As widowers, it’s “damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” No matter what we do, it’s not right in many people’s eyes.

Shelly and I recently celebrated our 29^th wedding anniversary. We proudly have two grown sons, Dylan, and Taylor. We’ve overcome a tremendous level of adversity throughout our marriage. I’m so proud of the positive example we have been able to set.

My heart has two deep loves inside of it. People struggle to understand that. Society seems to believe once you fall in love again, you have replaced the one that has died.

This is such a fallacy.

The heart can open to love two people. The love for the person lost doesn’t diminish. But the ability to love deeply and have a great relationship can flourish in an amazing and complex way. I feel fortunate that this is what has happened to me.

Without what I experienced with Dana, I would not have been able to love Shelly the way that I do.

My advice to widows and widowers is to trust your own heart and trust your own instincts. There is no timetable as to when to date again. I believe that only you will know. Make sure not to push it, force it or overly question it. Like every other aspect of grief, there is a guide that is specific to only you.

For me, I fell in love again when I was least expecting it. It happened without any premeditated thought. Work on being the best version of yourself so that everything else can begin to fall into place again.

My book, Shake Yourself Free, provides valuable lessons that can be learned from my journey as a widower. Action items are provided to positively move you forward with grace, clarity, and perspective.