Eight years ago, I found myself where many of you are today… in a deep grieving mode without the one person I could always rely upon to hear, support, and love me whenever I faced a major challenge. I, like many of you, had to decide:
- Do I hide out in my home and grieve on my own until somehow, I magically heal, OR
- Do I reach out to others who understand me and what I am going through and who will unreservedly support me as I try to regain my footing?
I recognized early on that I could not do this alone. I knew I needed support; I did not know who would be in this group. Over the next few months, my support circle came about unintentionally and organically. It eventually included:
- Two male friends (one work-related and one realtor) met with me after work over beers, listening to my repeated tales of what my wife Theresa and I had gone through and the challenges I was facing
- A co-founder of a Men’s Grief Group, we founded and facilitated at our area hospice. We often spoke about our grieving process and the issues we faced going forward.
- A sister who had lost her significant other and had been a therapist for years. She patiently listened to my thoughts, fears, and doubts as my situation evolved over the next year.
- A grief therapist who helped guide me through the healing process.
As we become open to the idea, we must form our own support circle, one that works best for us. As the story below demonstrates, there are many ways to develop a support circle.
Allen Conley told me about his support circle and some unexpected consequences that came out of it:
In 2021, I got on Facebook for the first time to let friends know about the passing of my wife, Tina, three months earlier. The algorithm, I’m thinking, connected me to your “Widower to Widower” posts. In the comment section, I engaged with Terry Dawson, who lost his wife earlier that year. We connected and shared our stories over time, supporting each other. We both found our purpose to fight for joy and not live in perpetual sadness and then each of us remarried”.
This week, Terry and Patsy traveled from South Carolina to Texas. Ginger and I met them in person for the first time when we invited them to our home for dinner. All 4 of us are widowed. All 4 of us are choosing to fight for joy.
Thank you, Fred, for providing the platform for us to celebrate our past and our future.
Support circles can emerge from just about any situation or relationship, sometimes obvious and sometimes not. The key is to be receptive to opportunities to form these support circles when they present themselves. They can be family, friends, workmates, neighbors, grief group members, or a new acquaintance met at some recent group activity. Don’t reject these opportunities; give them a chance, and you might be surprised.
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower, which is available through all major booksellers and libraries.
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