Quick Hitters # 7

Quick Hitters are brief responses to Questions posed by author Fred Colby to his fellow WSN contributors. They offer a variety of perspectives on some of the most challenging questions facing new widowers. Enjoy.

Quick Hitter Question #7: What is the most important thing to do to preserve my relationships with friends and family after my wife has passed?

Tom Peyton

I recently compiled a list of questions for a bereavement group I facilitate, and I believe this is the most challenging question to answer. When you lose your wife, frequently, unfortunately, those friendships that were probably created and guided by your late wife suddenly and painfully disappear. No one likes to talk about death, and friends sometimes feel staying away from you is the best thing they can do. No one knows how to deal with our vulnerability, and the fear is that it will trigger emotions, causing us to cry and become upset, and no one wants to see that side of us.

I decided I needed to pilot the plane as I moved forward. My wife was the pilot, and I was the co-pilot. Now, it is my turn to fly the plane called life. I stay in contact with family and friends and make them feel comfortable as I often speak about my late wife. As a society, we don’t know how to talk about loved ones we lost, and it takes time for people to feel comfortable. You set the table and make them feel comfortable. It’s okay to laugh, cry, and share stories about your late wife. I have countless stories about my wife that keep me laughing for days, and I share them often to break the ice and make others feel comfortable. I want my family and friends to know I need them just as they need me.

Jim Winner:

As we hope people will show up for us, we also need to show up for our friends …what I mean by that is we know to accept invitations to dinners, coffees, golf games, etc., whether we feel like going or not.  Trust me, if you don’t, people will assume you’re not interested and quit calling you, and then you will get your feelings hurt because they quit calling you. People want to help others who have suffered losses but don’t know how. Be grateful when someone reaches out to you. They care. Accept it. We all need grace during our initial phases of grief, as do people trying to help us. Let your friends be your friends. 

Michael Burroughs:

When the acute pain of your loss subsides, and you can maintain your composure most of the time, reach out to friends and family members. They will feel more comfortable being with you. Remember, your phone and texts work in both directions. Reach out to them.  When with them, encourage friends and family to talk freely about your late wife.

Barry Selby:

Stay connected, be honest and real with them, and allow them to care for you. Honesty and vulnerability will preserve and even improve your relationships if they are true friends and caring family.

Fred Colby:

Start by realizing that they are suffering, too. Maybe differently, but still suffering and unsure of what to do about it. During our hyper-emotional states in the early months, it is often too easy to be angry, self-isolating, and willing to blow everyone off. This only aggravates all the painful trials you are going through, making it much more difficult to re-establish your relationship with them. Friends and family will be understanding and tolerant to a point, but after that, they will stop trying. You need them, and the sooner you realize that, the better. My daughters, grandchildren, other relatives, and friends were critical to my eventual healing. So, I am eternally grateful that I reached out to them and accepted their loving support as I slogged through the deep grieving stages and eventually found solid ground again.