After losing our wives, many of us find ourselves unable to communicate effectively with others. Even those of us who come from careers in communication may find ourselves suddenly at a loss for words. Numbness, physical and mental pain, a sense of surrealness, and disrupted attention spans interfere with our ability to comprehend, organize thoughts, and put our feelings and thoughts into words.
Our friends, family, and neighbors are often unsure about how to speak with us and afraid they will say the wrong thing. They may believe that we would prefer to be left alone (and some of us would). We, in turn, often blame them for abandoning us, only compounding the problem.
Many of us may have left much of our communication to our wives, who regularly spoke to neighbors, friends, and family members while we joined sporadically. As a result, our communication skills may have deteriorated, so we are no longer comfortable being the lead conversationalist.
Others may interpret our clumsiness, unwillingness to speak, or inability to string together a complete sentence as an unwillingness to talk with them or even as evidence of our desire to be alone. This can lead to our avoiding others and missing an opportunity to build the bridges needed to heal.
Many of us have forgotten how to communicate in person between Emails, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram, TikTok, and other messenger vehicles. When we try to physically talk to someone, we may feel inadequate for the task. As a result, our own cues and our ability to read the signals of others can be out of whack. This can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and lost opportunities.
Breaking out of this self-perpetuating cycle can seem impossible and lead to further isolating ourselves from friends and family. We need human contact, support, encouragement, and love to heal. You cannot get that alone in your house, wallowing in your grief and pain.
Learning to communicate with others again is vital for us to heal and critical if we want to re-engage with life in any meaningful way. It starts with YOU and no one else. YOU have to commit to reaching out to others, talking to others, and inviting others into your life. You may be disappointed if you wait for them to initiate contact.
Remember when a close friend or relative lost someone close to them? How often did you reach out to them, ask them to join you over a meal, or call to see how they were doing? I know that I was not particularly stellar in that area. How about you? Why would you expect others to get it and reach out to you first?
One Note Here: There are likely to be some topics you are uncomfortable discussing with friends and family (e.g., desire for new relationships, anger, self-doubts). This is perfectly normal, and speaking with a Grief Therapist who can help guide you through these challenging topics makes sense.
If you want to heal and re-engage with life again… then it is up to you to take that first step of reaching out and speaking with others. In his book How to Be Your Own Therapist, Author Owen Kane suggests that your first step is to “Talk to yourself in a positive tone.” If you are down on yourself and constantly in a negative place, engaging in productive conversations with others will be hard.
So, start with yourself and then build on that by reaching out to one person at a time until you have created a small circle of people you feel safe with. Let them know you want them in your life and need their support right now. As you become more confident, you can reach outside your usual circle and add new friends to your group. You might be pleasantly surprised (as I was during my first year) and find that you eventually create a whole new circle of friends on top of your existing ones. Don’t be discouraged if you lose some old friends and family along the way; that is perfectly normal as you build a new life.
I know it takes courage to put yourself out there, but I can assure you that it is worth it if you can stick with it through the rough part of developing your new communication skills. Hang in there and keep at it. Good luck!
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower which is available through all major booksellers.
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