In the unforgiving landscape of grief, the notion of masculinity often takes a beating. Society has long dictated that to be a man means suppressing emotions, concealing pain, and presenting an unyielding facade. But true masculinity, in my opinion, is found in the raw, unfiltered expression of emotions, in the display of wounds, and in the resilience to rise despite the hurt.
Let’s cut through the facade of “what it means to be a man” that’s often used as a shield against seeking help. It’s time to call out the BS surrounding this excuse. The notion that seeking assistance somehow diminishes masculinity is a fallacy perpetuated by outdated norms. Real masculinity isn’t about stubbornly navigating the storm alone; it’s about acknowledging the need for support, understanding that vulnerability isn’t weakness, and recognizing that seeking help is an act of strength. It’s time to strip away this deceptive shield and embrace the courage it takes to ask for assistance, to confront emotions, and to rewrite the narrative of masculinity into one that includes vulnerability, authenticity, and the courage to seek the tools necessary for navigating the complexities of grief.
Have you ever heard the story of the father and son in the forest? If so, indulge me. If not, pay attention. I am paraphrasing here.
A father and son are walking in the forest, and they come to a point where a big log had fallen, blocking their path. The young boy asks: “Dad, do you think I can move it?”
His father replies, “If you use all your strength, you can.”
The son rolls up his sleeves and tries and tries to move the log, but to no avail. He then turns to his father discouraged and says, “Dad you lied to me. You said I could move it.”
His father replies, “I told you that if you used all your strength, you could. Son, you did not ask me for help.”
Strip Down
In the arena of grief, it’s time for men to strip down, shedding the false armor of “I’m fine”. Real strength lies in embracing emotional authenticity. It’s about acknowledging the depth of pain, rage, or sorrow without the weight of societal judgment. Who is “society” to dictate how we are feeling and behaving in the most painful event of our life? It is your journey, your arena, your story! Authenticity is the ultimate power—it’s standing in the raw truth of our emotions and recognizing their strength.
“Don’t hide behind a shield and call it your masculinity – step out and be your version of masculinity.”
Showing Our Wounds: The Power of Rising Despite the Hurt
Think of the greatest cinematic tales of masculinity—the hero is not the one who stuffs it all down. He is not an unfeeling figure; rather, he’s the wounded warrior who rises from the ashes. It is the man, who at rock bottom, screams out and vows to rise and gathers those around him to achieve his goal. It’s these moments, where the lead character exhibits pain, anguish, or vulnerability, that resonate deeply, inspiring us with their raw authenticity. It’s the wounded hero who inspires, not the emotionless warrior.
The narrative needs a shift—a redefinition of masculinity that celebrates the man who displays his wounds openly. The man who, despite the pain, stands tall, offering a compelling story of resilience and courage.
In the end, being a man isn’t about concealing emotions or hiding pain—it’s about the bravery to show vulnerability, to wear the scars proudly, and to inspire others by rising above the wounds.
Tools for the Grieving Warrior
In the arena of grief, masculinity demands a different toolkit. It’s about demanding support, forging connections, and rewriting the narrative. It is about actively asking for the tools needed to navigate this emotional labyrinth. It’s time to cultivate connections that foster healing, to ask for help without hesitation, and to challenge the rigid narratives of masculinity.
Challenge – say it out loud: “Damn it, I’m hurting, help me through this!”
- Cultivate Vulnerable Connections: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups where vulnerability is accepted and understood. When I say trusted, it requires honesty. Most “tribes” are not people we can lean on. Who can you truly lean on? Engage in conversations about emotions and grief, fostering connections that allow for open expression without judgment. I did not have a tribe I could lean on, but a tribe that just told me to “get over” and “move on”—which we never do, by the way. We move forward. So that led me to tool number two, which was incredibly powerful for me.
- Rising Role Models: Seeking inspiration from historical or fictional figures who triumphed over adversity is pivotal. In my journey through the valley of grief after my wife’s profound 11-year journey with metastatic breast cancer, I found myself standing in the valley thinking “WTF?” I found people who had set up camp in the valley and thought to myself, “Hell no!” But I also knew I needed help and without a tribe to support me, I turned to role models. Real and imagined role models became my solace—figures like Nelson Mandela and fictional characters like Rocky Balboa. My favorite was Kyle Maynard’s story recounted in his book No Excuses.
I invite you to do the same. Engage with their stories, glean insights, and draw strength from their journeys. Their resilience can serve as a guiding light, showcasing the power of rising above hardships and instilling hope in your own path through grief. The more I did this, the more I was empowered to share my hurt. I didn’t care what people thought – I wanted to rise like the people I read about and shared their stories openly. If that required me crying – screw it. In my time of need I was not going to worry about making others uncomfortable. If they felt uncomfortable, they were not going to be a part of my After Death story! The weak one is the one who can’t handle the rawness of another!
- Mindfulness and Physical Practices: Explore mindfulness techniques, meditation, or yoga to connect with the present moment and manage emotions. Additionally, engaging in physical activities like exercise or sports not only contributes to overall well-being but also helps in processing emotions by releasing stress and tension stored in the body.
“Sharing our hurts openly, rising above them, and seeking inspiration from others’ resilience—these are the tools that highlight raw masculinity, embracing grief not as a weakness but as a testament to strength.” – Robert Pardi
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Robert Pardi is the founder of Possibility in Action®, his personal growth philosophy. It is a dynamic approach emphasizing intentional actions and habits which empowers people to break free from self-imposed constraints, elevating life fulfillment by shifting identity and taking deliberate steps towards an elevated lived future. Possibility in Action® isn’t just a mindset shift; it’s a lifestyle — a deliberate crafting of your daily story, turning possibilities into your lived reality. I’ve walked this path, proving it’s all achievable!
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