There is No Timeline for Grief 

I was sitting in an airport the other evening waiting for my flight home. I had a wonderful visit with my children and grandchildren and thought about the fun and laughs we shared for several days. As it often happens, a story about grief will pop up on my phone as I write about it and research the topic. The heading of the story stated that Lynda Carter, an actress best known for her Wonder Woman role, is still grieving three years after her husband died from a rare form of cancer. The author seemed to infer that it seems strange or not normal for someone three years after a death to still be grieving. As the writer discovered by interviewing Lynda Carter, it is quite normal, and her grief is natural. There is nothing strange, bizarre, or abnormal about what she is experiencing.

Lynda Carter was married for over 39 years to her husband, with whom she was greatly in love and enjoyed so much of life with her soulmate. She describes the fun and enjoyment they experienced raising two children, traveling the world, and working together. Despite the pain, she continues to feel his love, support, and joy every day. She often ponders about him and wishes she could rewind the clock and still share time with him. She also knows he is still alive in her, and she feels his presence, love, and support every day of her life. She cherishes time with her adult children as they recall the love they shared as a family.

We live, unfortunately, in a disposable society, so the idea of eternity is not something that our society accepts or wants. Each of us in the WSN-MO knows all too well the pain of losing a spouse. Despite our pain, we learn to travel together in a brotherhood that our Founder started that gives hope, comfort, and solace. We each travel differently but stand united in our support of each other. We have come to realize that grief is not something on a timeline that expires after a certain period. Events, special moments, ordinary experiences, and a variety of things will cause us, at times, to travel to a place that brings back tears and sadness. It exposes us to our vulnerability and to accept the fact that we will always experience, at times, the pain of our loss.

I tried to read every book I could find on the topic of grief when my wife died almost four years ago. I knew I would never find a satisfactory answer to why my wife died, and I was not looking for that answer. I was trying to understand the word grief. I knew what it meant, but now I was going to live it. It was now the major component in my life. It was an enemy that took away the woman I loved and crushed my heart and soul. How could I ever go on?

Through the help of my grief counselor and the WSN-MO, I learned that grief would not be the summation of my life, however long I live, but rather a part of my life.

I learned from my two friends and authors, Herb Knoll and Fred Colby, that grief is a part of but not the whole of my life. I learned from my grief counselor that this new addition to my life called grief is something I need to befriend. My grief counselor would say, I know it sounds abnormal, but instead of seeing grief as the enemy, see it as a friend. It is a part of your life that you will learn to live with.  You don’t get over it or go on; you learn to move forward in your life with grief.

I learned that it has no timeline; it can appear anytime without warning and does not follow the calendar. It doesn’t go away because another year has passed. It can, however, offer opportunities for empathy and gratitude. No, not initially, but with the passage of time. It also has forced us into this group no one ever wants to join but a bond develops among those of us who have suffered loss. I do not walk alone; I walk with others who know what I have experienced and give me support and strength. My life is enriched by the members of my support group.

WSN-MO, we know, has saved lives. It is the best resource on the planet for Widowers because it helps each of us to find hope, peace and comfort. Each of us is like a skilled laborer building a giant and beautiful edifice. We each contribute to the beauty of the project. No need for a timeline.