Don’t Stop Living Because I Died.

In about two months, I will approach the fourth anniversary of my wife’s death. As I reflect on her passing again, I am reminded of a conversation she and I had about six months before she died. I remember one night feeling so low that I said to my wife I want to go with you. I don’t want to stay here without you. I remember her immediate response. You can’t, you must stay here and finish the work. Angrily, I said; Well, as a small business owner, I can keep myself extremely busy. I will probably rescue a pet, give him or her a good home, and keep working. I didn’t know it, but at the time, I was trying to navigate life without her and navigate how grief would consume my life.

I was in a bad place and figured my life would consist of mundane activities, routinely defined as work, eating, and sleep. There would be no more fun trips, great dinners, movie nights, or anything that would make me smile and laugh. I was condemned to this road to Calvary with no hope in sight. I was solely focused on myself. For months, I only saw darkness and no light.

Then, as I continued to reflect on my life, it hit me one day. My wife told me I could not go with her because I had work to do here. I was so focused on myself I forgot about my children and grandchildren. They, too, were grieving having lost a mother or grandmother. They needed someone to help them travel the path of grief. They lost someone they loved, and I had a responsibility to continue to be the connection to their mother or grandmother.

I began to realize I was being selfish and only concerned about myself. I had a job and needed to be present to each of them and walk the path with them. I needed to let go of the feeling I was the one suffering, and they were suffering as well. I also needed to do what my wife would want me to do.

Live life not in darkness and sorrow but in the light and joy we always shared with each other. Yes, we struggled at times, but we always walked together, laughed, and enjoyed so many things in life. Death took a life, but it did not take all that life offers. My wife always believed in working hard and playing equally as hard. She celebrated life and all its beauty with friends and relatives through gatherings and being present to each other.

She believed each of us had a responsibility to help each other. She was the shoulder to cry on when times were difficult, offered sage advice when a problem seemed insurmountable, and made all of us laugh when we felt down or defeated. She always found the bright side of life.

She taught me that it’s essential to keep on living and that I would find my place after her loss. I sometimes struggle and miss her daily, but I know I have a responsibility to my family and friends that she would want me to fulfill. My job is far from over, and I need to be open to the possibility life presents to me. I travel regularly; I have a wonderful and loving large dog who provides comfort and support. I have children, grandchildren, and friends I frequently visit, laugh with, and have so many good times with. I try to celebrate every holiday and know my wife would be proud of me. Don’t stop living, my friends. Keep moving forward and enjoy all that life offers. Find the joy you richly deserve.