The passage of time does not always bring with it an anticipation of a “new tomorrow.” Somewhere deep within, I know, “Out with the Old and In with the New” is an adage that is only partially true. Some parts of me have left me forever only in a physical and tangible sense; I still carry them with me every day and everywhere. Time may heal wounds, but the scars left from that gaping hole in your heart, those hurt. Tears bring healing, healing stops the bleeding, but the scars remain forever.
How then do we go on? Is it even possible to look ahead to a ‘new year’ and a ‘new you’? This year has taught me much, just as every other year does; these lessons, however, I would rather not have learned. I find myself drafted into the fastest growing community in the world – the community of widows! Time has allowed me to come to terms with my new identity – it stopped the bleeding from my heart. Time also taught me that some things will always be a part of me – pain, sadness, tears, fears, and immense grief.
I was hoping that I will wake up one morning and just feel like my ‘old’ self; instead, I have learned that I have to embrace my ‘new’ self each day. My new self is not necessarily better than the old, but she works each day at being a better and better version of the person she was yesterday. Yes, it means working hard at not letting grief get the better of me. Grief may reside in me, but the new me has to make a decision daily not to let myself reside in grief. We are unwilling partners in life – but we are not equal. Some days grief wins; on other days, the ‘new me’ wins! It is these little victories I carry with me into the new year. The defeats of the old year have served their purpose – they have showed me resilience I did not know I had, they have strengthened my resolve to fight, and they have revealed to me the power of having a dream.
2020 – a new year, a new me (albeit with much brokenness), a new dream that is ever-evolving into something bigger and better than myself. That is the ultimate lesson I have learned which I carry into the new year; I was created for a purpose bigger than myself. The ‘new’ me will embrace that purpose, the ‘new’ me will allow pain to fuel me, the ‘new’ me will count not my losses but rather my victories. The new me embraces my identity as a Warrior, fighting a battle not of my choosing, but fighting nevertheless.
Isaiah 40:31. They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength: they shall rise up on wings as eagles
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Following the passing of her husband Franz, Cynthia Mascarenhas founded Walk With A Widow, a non-profit organization whose primary focus is healing the hearts of widows by giving love and hope to widows around the world. As one would expect, much of the material crafted for widows can also be of help to widowers.
Cynthia’s insightful articles will appear periodically here on WSN. You can contact Cynthia at her website, www.walkwithawidow.com
