Not too long ago, my friend and brother Fred Colby wrote an article about what to say or not to say to a Widower. As the author of Widower-to-Widower, Fred offers the most articulate and cogent thoughts on how to help someone go through the trauma of loss. He focused on helping the widower to tell his story and to share the stories that defined the relationship between the man and woman who shared a life, a love story, and so many memories that defined their relationship. Fred also suggested not to ask that terrible question that is not meant to cause harm or pain but is often said because the person asking does not know what to say: I refer to the “How are you doing? A question that will only provide the one and true answer: crappy.
Once a month, I co-facilitate a grief support group for my church. I speak with parents who lost their adult children to cancer or some other illness. I speak with adults who lost a parent, a sister who lost a brother, and several widows. Each one is dealing with grief and struggling in their journey. I admit I don’t have any answers that can wipe away tears, that can make them smile and feel better, or that can have them believe grief is something that will go away after a short period of time. I listen to their stories. I ask them to tell me what was special or unique about their loved one. I ask them to continue to share their stories.
We often speak about well-intentioned people who unfortunately don’t know what to say and are so grief averse that they often say the usual phrases that people who don’t understand grief say:
“This will make you a better person. God needed another angel. She or he is in a better place. Platitudes that they think are helpful but make us burn inside.
When my wife was in hospice during the last week of her life, a lovely Catholic nun visited her every day. Even though we are not Catholic, she prayed with her and spent time with us every day for that last week. When she spoke with me alone on a few occasions, she kept telling me how wonderful it would be that my wife, in a few days, was going to shake hands with the Lord. I know she did not say it to upset me, but I was so angry that she was not aware of the pain, fear, and sadness I was experiencing. Yes, I believe God will care for my wife, but my world was coming to an end. I did not want to hear about my wife dying. I was about to enter the worst days of my life, and I was extremely sad.
We, as brothers who have lost spouses, are the best exponents of what to say and not say. By simply being present, we can educate people about the importance of respecting someone who has lost a loved one. No words can make anything better, but the actions of helping or just being available to help someone who has lost a loved one speak volumes.
