Someone recently sent me an article about grief and grieving that had been circulating online. When I saw the title, which I subsequently chose for this article, I was initially skeptical. I know the internet is filled with much misinformation, so I immediately judged a book by its cover. As I read the article, I realized it was filled with chunks of wisdom and thoughts for careful reflection.
As we know all too well in our group, grief is natural, frightening at times, overwhelming, painful, and strikes at any time and place.
The first idea is not to suppress your feelings. It’s important to acknowledge your pain and hurt. Don’t listen to society that encourages rapidly going through grief as if it’s an obstacle course with a time limit you must muddle through to feel better. It’s a journey that we need to work through and deal with as we travel in uncharted water. It’s important to share with others experiencing pain and feel the support a group can provide.
Secondly, don’t isolate yourself. The worst thing you can do is stay away from family, friends, and other important people in your life. Yes, they may not know what to say and make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, but let them be present. Let them help in small ways by shopping for you, walking the dog, or being present.
Thirdly, do not neglect your health. Our founder, Herb Knoll, asks new members how they are doing and when they last saw a doctor. He does that because he knows we often neglect our health. As caregivers, we do not get enough sleep, sometimes skip meals, do not exercise, and do not take care of our bodies. It’s most important to take care of our health.
Fourthly, do not rush the process. As I stated previously, there are no timelines for grief. Everyone grieves differently, and it’s not something you can get over quickly. Healing is a gradual process, and being patient with yourself is essential.
Fifthly, don’t stop speaking about your loved one. It’s been said that when you die, you die twice; the first time is when you physically leave this world, and the second time is when they stop talking about you. Talk about your loved one. Share with others those memories that are so important and will always be a part of our lives.
Sixthly, don’t blame yourself. It’s easy to reflect on the should have, would have, or could have. I cannot change the past or rewind the clock, but I can move forward with the wisdom and strength my wife so freely and selflessly gave me when she was alive. It takes time, so move slowly.
Seventhly, do not make major decisions until a year has passed. We are vulnerable and can be taken advantage of or proceed down the wrong path. Again, as the road sign on the highway says, Proceed with caution.
Eighthly, try not to overwork yourself. As I heard Tyler Perry say about grief: “I can’t work it away, drink it away, sleep it away or eat it away or try any other way to get over it. It’s a process you learn to accept and deal with.”
Ninthly, don’t neglect other relationships. Maybe you have children and grandchildren, siblings, parents, friends or co-workers. Stay in contact with those people. Social isolation only worsens grief, so stay in touch with the important people in your life.
Lastly don’t compare your grief to others. Everyone’s grief is unique, and comparing your emotions to those of others can be harmful. Focus on healing and don’t measure it to someone else’s pain and suffering.
These are just some interesting thoughts for your reflection as we each travel the path of grief. We are part of a group that knows the road of grief, and we can greatly support each other. Let’s share the burden together.
