One of the people in my church support group posed that question during one of our meetings a short time ago. New to the group, she lost her daughter to cancer about a year ago and has struggled with her grief along with raising her grandson and experiencing guilt over the loss of her daughter. Given the number of issues she deals with, people in the group tried to gently offer her words of support and solace. Fortunately, two other women in the group also lost their adult children to cancer and offered her the idea of joining their support group for parents who have lost adult children. Others suggested she may benefit from seeing a therapist to discuss some of the pressing issues she is dealing with.

I shared with her the idea that with some time, and I don’t mean a few more months or even another year, she will discover changes in how she views her grief. Nothing is more challenging than the first few days, weeks, and months of grief. Darkness and pain dominate those days. The idea of gratitude or joy is so foreign that to present them in the early days of grief is an act of futility. It takes time to accept that we cannot change what happened. I never thought about losing my wife or thought about how I would survive after her loss. We don’t talk about death and don’t spend time thinking about our final days.

After four and ½ years since my wife’s death, I have days when I still struggle with regrets and sadness over her loss. I get angry that as I grow older, I don’t have my partner here to enjoy our trips or even simple activities like shopping or going to the movies. I still get angry when I do these activities alone and see other couples enjoying each other’s company. I have friends who question why I don’t date and why I don’t find someone as a companion.

I admit I enjoy being alone. I am happy living by myself with my big dog. I travel often to visit my children who live out of town. I am planning trips for the holidays. I am comfortable being by myself with my big dog and living my life as best I can

I have come to realize that it does get somewhat easier with the passage of time, but it means I must work to make it better. I have a job that requires much of my time, but I also make time to visit with friends, call other friends, and get together for lunch and dinner with friends.

Social isolation is the worst thing you can do. It leads to so many health problems and will shorten your life. You and I must commit ourselves to living our lives as our loved ones would want us to live them. Find your path, brothers, and pursue it with gusto. The road gets shorter, not longer, as we age.