We all Have Something That Makes Us Stronger

After losing my wife, I felt lost. Alone. Adrift.  I always felt like my wife was what held our marriage together and gave us strength as a family. When she died in September 2021, it felt like all my strength to carry on went with her.

I think we all know and understand that feeling. The feeling we got when our LW died, and we felt completely and utterly alone in this world.  The complete disbelief of it. For me, the thoughts were, “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way!” and “I was supposed to die first – not her!”  And then, finally: “Now, what am I going to do?” 

I remarked on WSN that it was like being attached to each other with an invisible tether. No matter where you are in the world, you are still intrinsically linked together and feel the connection anywhere. I traveled all over the US and the world in my almost 21 years in the army, and I never felt like I wasn’t connected to my wife.

My wife was a very strong person—emotionally, personality-wise, and even physically for someone her size. She was the star that everyone in our family solar system orbited around, and she not only gave us her light but also, through her mighty gravitational pull and sheer force of will, affected everything and everyone around her. If you got close to her orbit, it was inevitable that she was going to pull you into it. 

On the day of my wife’s memorial service at our church, so many people were there who had been touched by my wife’s kindness and love. I can’t say I was anything but amazed at the number of people she had an influence over just by being herself and showing a love for people that even those in her own family were amazed at. I have never met anyone before who had the capacity to love others like my wife did. 

This leads me to my last article from almost 1 1/2 years ago (17 months after my wife’s death), in which I said I was lonely and wanted to start dating again. I was introduced to a woman named Young (she is Korean) who was moving to Florida, and we hit it off. In my article, I said she and I were going to try to make it work. Let us say that relationship was not meant to be.

After that, my late wife’s sister introduced me to a woman in August 2023, and we also had a great time together. She was funny and made me laugh, and I enjoyed talking to her and being with her. Luckily for me, before the relationship could go further, she showed her true colors, and I immediately ended that relationship.

Then, there was one more attempt, but this time, it was to make friends with a woman. She was a widow, and a mutual friend introduced us. Though I did like her and even spent a couple of days with her in Kentucky, I had an epiphany on my drive home. I was comparing each of these women to my wife, and I wanted them to “fix” me. We all knew that wasn’t going to work, so I told her I had to end it because she didn’t need to be with someone who needed to get his life in order before he could be a worthy companion.

In the army, we had something called a Physical Profile, which limited you to (and from) doing certain things physically. One of these things was called “Own Pace / Own Distance” running, which allowed you to run or walk at the speed and distance you could walk/run during Physical Training (PT). Well, I think that is a good analogy for what we have in our grief: our emotional “Own Pace / Own” Distance profile. 

So, I have put off any possible romantic relationships until I can overcome my “Emotional Profile” and learn to live independently. Since September 2023, I have only worked 32 hours a week to prepare for eventual retirement.  Now, I will be “retiring” (I won’t be 62 until February 2025, so I won’t be drawing social security) this September, and I plan to get in my car or truck and just drive.  My wife was a beach person. There was nowhere else she wanted to go.  So now that I am on my own, I plan to go to places I have always wanted. Carlsbad Caverns. Petrified Forest. Moab, Utah. Yellowstone. Yosemite. Mount Rushmore.

I also plan on volunteering a couple of days a week at the hospital where she died, maybe even working for hospice care or a local church food pantry, and, of course, visiting my daughter and her family in Georgia as often as I can. 

I am not swearing off ever having another relationship with a woman.  I am not in any emotional shape right now to begin one. Maybe someday, but not now.  I need to do the things that will make me stronger. And in this case, that is being alone for the time being.