Since becoming a widower, one of the most humbling discoveries I have made is that I know very little about women. While I grew to know my wife as well as I could know anyone, I simultaneously disconnected my radar associated with the pursuit of other relationships. While that was the proper thing to do as a married man, it has me at a significant disadvantage. Don’t get me wrong, I have continued to appreciate women’s beauty. However, I have come to appreciate the vast difference between the observation and execution of the monumental task of pursuing a new relationship.
Let me share just how perplexed I am via my ‘Starbucks story.’
One night, on my way home from an outing, I stopped at Starbucks for a beverage. After my name was called, an attractive, age-appropriate woman stood between me and the sweetener I desired (perhaps this was already a sign of my targeting systems being down).
Being the gentlemen I am, I said, “Excuse me, will you pass me a couple packets of the sweetener?” She replied, “I would be happy to pass you anything”! Of course, I thanked her, then proceeded to fix my drink and (leave). Halfway home, it suddenly struck me that, just maybe, I was being flirted with! At that moment, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry, so I split it down the middle and just laughed at myself—one of many examples of my internal GPS being out of service for far too long.
Recently, I have read about dating and relationships among men who have lost their spouses. One of the articles I highly recommend was by AshleyPapa, titled‘Dating a Widower: 10 Things You Need to Know When Starting a Relationship.’ In it, she outlined in common sense language what to be prepared for when dating a widowed man and how it differs from dating a divorced person.
After reading it, I reflected on whether I was ready to be a part of a meaningful relationship if it presented itself. Among the topics raised, these were a few thoughts that impacted me the most.
- Do I identify myself more strongly as a widower or a single man? It has been proven that how we see ourselves directly affects how we present ourselves. So, if I lead with my widowed status, I may be subverting my single status. This can portray me as closed, as opposed to being available sometimes.
- Just because I was a good husband doesn’t mean I need to be a husband to feel whole again. This was a misstep that I made very early in my widowed experience. After six months, I tried to engage in a committed relationship with a friend, which was unfulfilling for us both. While we remain civil until this day, this experience was a disappointment for each of us.
- I must face the realization that I may never be anyone’s husband again, and that must be alright. Even in writing these words, I must admit feeling a little sad. I found marriage to be a wonderful experience. While there were difficult days, overall, it was worth it. The other factor that makes me sad is that I was good at it. So, like anything you are good at that you can no longer do, you are a bit nostalgic for it. Marriage is far too important to pursue with the wrong person.
As my education continues in understanding relationships, I resolve to start by being patient, being a friend, and trying not to make a fool out of myself. When they first experience loss, I often tell men to try not to put too many expectations on themselves. As I said previously, I find my lack of knowledge in this area humbling, yet as I delve into learning more about it, it is a bit exciting. I can promise you, however, that the next time I go to Starbucks, I will be aware of more than just what is on the menu!
Terrell Whitener is an author, motivational speaker, and coach. Based in St. Louis, Missouri, Terrell is the author of The First 365, Learning to Live After Loss. Terrell can be reached at [email protected], LinkedIn @terrellwhitener, or through the Widower’s Support Network.
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