QUICK HITTERS #9

Produced by Fred Colby

Quick Hitters are brief responses to Questions posed by author Fred Colby to his fellow WSN contributors. They offer a variety of perspectives on some of the most challenging questions facing new widowers. Enjoy.

Quick Hitter Question #9: How should I tell my kids about it when I start dating again?

Brian Doyle

My children were 14, 16, 18, 20, and 21 when my wife, Barb, passed away. Four of the five kids were still home with the fifth at college. The positive side of this is that we learned about grief together and had ongoing conversations nearly every day. This was a huge help in our healing. The other benefit was that although I was alone, I wasn’t lonely. The house was still full, and I was busy as a solo parent.

The first couple of years went very quickly, and there was little thought of ‘dating.’ When I received a call from a friend who wanted to introduce me to someone, it had been four-plus years since my wife had passed. That large period of time made it easier to alert my kids that I was talking to a woman who was a widow who had also lost her spouse.

I knew that any relationship that might become serious would be life-altering for my children so I chose to include them from the very start. I asked them to pray that God would guide me and that I would put the interests of the others ahead of my own interest.

Four of my five kids were still single at the time of my first ‘date’, and it occurred to me that my actions would be a potential model for them as they trusted God in the area of marriage. This was another reason that I was eager to include my children from the very start. I did not seek my children’s counsel or their permission but was careful to take their pulse and measure who was ready for Dad to move forward and who was not ready. My three boys were clearly ready, and my two girls just needed a little more assurance that Dad was not forgetting Mom but that God had opened a door for what may be the next season of life.

In summary, I was slow to start dating and some of this was children at home. Then, I was slow to

proceed with dating because I loved my children and did not want to mess with their emotions. As this initial relationship grows, the kids are fully supportive and thankful that I was slow to proceed.

Christine Baumgartner

It will depend on the age of your children. If they’re minors, I suggest you not tell them until you’ve dated someone for at least a few months and you’ve decided they’re someone you’re interested in having a long-term relationship with. Then tell them it’s time for you to date and assure them you aren’t ever going to forget their deceased parent. Explain that finding love again will never take away the love you have for their (mother/father). In fact, falling in love again is confirmation that your love with their (mother/father) was so wonderful you truly want to experience love again. Also, assure them that loving a new person won’t diminish your love for them. Also, a new partner will not take any of their inheritances. (This is a normal worry for your children, so it’s important that you bring it up.) Don’t expect or require your children to love your new partner. Do require them to be always courteous to them.

Larry Ahrens

There are circumstances to be considered with this question. How old are the kids? Are they out on their own, or are there younger children?

I believe it would be a mistake to get all the kids together and do a “dating announcement” of some kind. This is a matter of one-on-one communication. Each child, no matter the age, is going to take the news in different ways. Some will be happy for you. Others will question you about why you’re dating again. Others may see this as something that distances you from your relationship with them as your child.

Speaking personally, both of my adult children are very happy that I’m in a relationship. The new lady in my life is a widow with 4 grown children. They are generally accepting of our relationship. But a couple of them have expressed concern that I may be after her property and assets if we marry. I have assured my lady that I’m not interested in her assets at all. I have offered to sign a prenup to that effect. And I have asked her to convey that to her children.

As I said in the beginning, it’s all about circumstances. Evaluate them accordingly. Let your children know one-on-one about your desire to date again. In my estimation, that’s the best way to break the news.

Michael Burroughs

How you tell them would depend in part on their ages. My kids are middle-aged men who live in other states. I told them during a routine phone call. They were fine with it—encouraging even—and have spoken by phone, cordially, with my girlfriend.

Nyle Kardatzke

On her last conscious day, my wife advised me not to get involved with another woman until she

had been gone a year. A little more than a year after she died, I began dating a woman whom I

thought I might marry, and I knew I should tell my three adult children. I gathered them together

one evening and told them about my lady friend. They were thunderstruck. They recovered from

their shock when I told them more about the lady. It was still a shock to them because it seemed

I was replacing their mother.

I pursued the woman for a year, but by the end of the year, it became clear to both of us that we

weren’t ready to marry. She was still emotionally married to her departed husband, and I was

emotionally married to my wife and my kids. That woman and I remain friends, but we’re not

likely to marry.

Telling your children that you are dating is essential to maintaining an open, trusting relationship with them.