Recent headlines about the very brief three-month marriage of Widower Gerry Turner (the first Golden Bachelor) and Theresa Nist coming to an end, raise some interesting questions.
The pace of the Golden Bachelor program is frenetic. It expects a Bachelor to identify, court, and then marry a new bride after just a few months of meeting and dating a wide variety of women. This is unrealistic and is premised upon faulty presumptions about widowers and those who date them.
Unfortunately for Gerry, the outcome was pretty much dictated by the format of the show. Participants are expected to narrow the 20 or so possibilities down to one and then make an on-camera proposal. There is no clear option for choosing another path. Gerry and Theresa only made things worse by agreeing to an elaborate and early wedding.
Interestingly, over 52% of widowers do remarry within eighteen months of their wife’s passing. Unfortunately, over half of these marriages fail! This is why I often advise my fellow widowers to take it slow and ensure their new relationship is on solid ground before entering the marriage portal. During our first year or two of deep grieving, we are often unready or unable to make life-altering decisions. This is usually due to our troubled mental state during this period.
Many of us may experience something like the Golden Bachelor program as we re-enter the dating scene via various online dating sites such as Match.com. As the new guy on the dating block, widowers (often viewed as unicorns by women on these sites) may attract a lot of attention, which can result in multiple dates with various women over a few weeks. This experience can be both exhilarating, overwhelming, and unnerving for many of us. If you had watched any of the Golden Bachelor (which my girlfriend pulled me into), you would have seen Gerry exhibiting all these emotions and more.
While not quite as accelerated or extravagant as the Golden Bachelor, our “dates” can result in:
- Meeting a wide variety of women who have very different expectations.
- Psycho-emotional challenges such as confusion, guilt, and self-doubts
- Opportunities to engage in romantic feelings again, often after decades of not dating.
- Learning how to cope with much more independent and self-confident women.
- Fears over how our friends and family will react when they find out.
Many of us find that we and our new friends are settled into set ways of doing things. This can include everything from where we live, what we eat, when we eat, what we do, how we participate in the lives of children and grandchildren, where we go, how we sleep, etc. During our marriages, we developed very set routines, and then we became single and developed some more. Now, we find these routines upended, and we are challenged to find new ones that work for us and our new friends. These often introduce stress and conflict into our relationships.
If we are fortunate enough to enter a new and meaningful relationship with someone, the inevitable question that comes up is whether we should get married, move in together, stay single, or try the Live Apart Together (LAT) route.
For most of us, the opportunity to have open and honest conversations over an extended period (at least more than a few months) with our new love should include all these options. This allows us to hopefully arrive at a decision that best ensures our ability to have a long-term and healthy relationship. There are pluses and minuses to each option:
- Marriage: When over 50, marriage is much more complicated than when you were 20+ years old. Now, you must consider wills, inheritance, property, children, locations, friends, and more, which you did not have to think too hard about as a young couple just starting out in life. Don’t be surprised if there is jealousy from the kids who are fearful that they are no longer first in the will.
- Move in Together: This is a quicker and easier solution for many, but it also introduces moral questions for those raised with stricter religious beliefs. Again, you now have the problem of who owns what. If one dies, who gets the house (e.g., the survivor or the kids)? How do you split the costs? Who pays insurance? Whose name is the house in? Are you both okay with family members visiting? How do you explain it to others?
- Living Apart Together (LAT): This is increasingly common as each can retain their home, keep all the ownership issues at bay, each have a place for family to stay when visiting, and there are no legal issues unless one or both of you elects to put the other in their will/trust. LAT may leave grandkids and others asking, “When are you going to get married?” So, if you can live with that, this may be the way to go. Of course, unlike marriage, the commitment may not seem as solid as a marriage certificate… again, something you must be comfortable with.
- Stay Single: Many couples find that after a year or two of dating, they just don’t want any other options, and they elect to return to being single. In some cases, they may elect to continue dating occasionally without the other options’ emotional or legal commitment. This may be the best option for those who cannot let go of their prior spouse being number one for them or who find the new world of dating and relationships to be too much for them and not to their liking. Others may find their newfound independence too wonderful to give up, so… no commitments!
It is only fair to mention that many widowers and widows choose to never be in a serious relationship again. And that is okay! We each must find the path that is best for us and that gives us the most happiness, contentment, and comfort.
Whichever path you choose, do it for the right reasons and the right way. Be considerate of those around you by not trying to force them into your model, which may or may not be what is right for them. Good luck!
© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
—————————————————————————————-
Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower – available through most booksellers and libraries.
See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower
Website: Fred Colby, Author
Widowers Support Network 
Leave a comment