Almost four years ago, I became a widower. It was a word I despised and a club I never wanted to join. Although I had a great grief counselor and friends who supported me, I felt alone. I believed I would struggle, cry way too often, and just live the rest of my life a very lonely and frightened man. After I struggled for a while, I searched Google for help one day and found Herb Knoll and the Widowers Support Network. I spoke with Herb and found out that at the time, there were about 800 men who were part of this very special group of Widowers. I read a variety of posts and witnessed the pain and suffering each one was going through and how they were learning to cope with the loss of their spouse. I started sharing my posts, wondering if anyone would respond. One day, I received over 60 responses to my simple question asking for advice on how to move forward. Men I did not know from other parts of the country and the world were reaching out to me, a 62-year-old man living in Upstate New York, gently giving me hope, comfort, and solace.
Herb Knoll created a safe haven for the Widower to share his pain. He created a platform for Widowers offering advice on any topic, from coping with loss to finding your chapter two. Wisdom that is richer than any book or therapist could offer. As I read the posts from our new brothers regularly, I am delighted to see dozens of men welcoming our new brothers and encouraging them to reach out to others for support and encouragement. Many of our brothers have created support groups, some of which meet monthly for dinner and conversation. The conversation provides the foundation on which healing occurs.
What I find most enriching and comforting are our brothers’ stories about how they moved from darkness to light, from pain to purpose, from sorrow to joy, and from loneliness to companionship. Grief is not something you get over. As I have said multiple times, we live in a society and culture that believes grief has a timeline. Grief is something you work through and accept as a part of your life but never the whole of who you are. I am inspired by our brothers who rose from the depths of despair and found joy and healing. Brothers who said I must rise from this darkness and seek the light. Healing occurs when you work through the pain and find that purpose that will lead you to happiness.
I have the pleasure, and I emphasize that word of writing a bi-monthly column for my brothers in this wonderful tribe. It gives me joy to share my thoughts and feelings about my journey from the early days of darkness and sorrow to finding hope and meaning in my life. I assure you I had no biblical conversion like St. Paul on the road to Damascus but rather small glimpses of how I can heal. I chose to share things that helped me heal. The brothers and friends I have made in this group, which I never would have joined but was forced to when my wife died, have enriched my life in many ways.
The tribe we belong to is a family of men: generous with their gifts of wisdom, supportive at all times, and filled with never-ending compassion. There are no ego battles here of men searching for fame but brothers who look out for each other and take the time to reach out to each other and offer some simple words of support. I am so glad I joined this tribe, and I thank all of you for the kindness you have given me and all of us.
