Almost five years ago, those words that I used for my title this week were said to me by my Pastor, Brother Joe, of the Episcopal church. He was consoling me after my wife had died, and he was gently helping me along the path of grief. He later said I am sure those words right now may not give you comfort, but think about them as you travel along the path of grief. He was softly preparing me to start a journey that would prevent me initially from moving forward and would hold me as a hostage with darkness, sadness, and a surfeit of tears.
Life is a passage we each travel, and it becomes easier and more meaningful when we meet the person to whom we find the never-ending bonds of love. We are driven outside ourselves and become filled with joy and meaning when we are in the presence of our beloved. Then, one day, after years of battling a life-threatening illness or sometimes after a short period, our loved one is no longer with us. We say that they have been taken away from us. We become angry, depressed, guilt-ridden, and oftentimes overwhelmed with emotions. We find it so hard to even move an inch.
We struggle with the why and how. If only I could have, should have, or would have, then maybe it would be different. We travel back in time in our minds and want to live in that past because the future is too hard, unknown and does not offer any light or promise. This is all normal; It’s all part of the grieving process. It’s the road we all travel so that we can one day move forward. Society tells us to move on, a phrase I never use because it connotes the idea that it’s tough to do something different: forget the past, find something new, and walk away from your pain and sorrow.
Let’s go back to the phrase life is changed, not ended. Christians and most religions believe that death is not the end. The afterlife is where peace and comfort for our loved ones occur. Yes, our loved one is no longer physically present to us, and their body is gone, but not the love we shared. It took time for me to realize that the bonds of our love never die. The things we shared in life, our children, grandchildren, friends, daily activities, trips, anniversaries, and birthdays are forever etched in my life. Yes, there will be tears at times when I recall the fun we had, the laughs we shared, and the good times I will forever recall. However, those moments in time will never disappear until I am gone.
My wife will always be a part of my life. Her voice, her love, her support, and her words of encouragement or dissent are forever alive in me. I will never stop talking about her. Yes, I visit the past in my memories, but I am not living in the past, believing that I am in a bad dream. I am walking with her in my heart, mind, and physical being as I remember all that she taught me.
Life is changed. I cannot sit and wish that it never happened or feel overwhelmed with guilt that I am living my life and she is no longer at my side. I am moving forward, as I often say, carrying her love, joy, and peace as I travel a new road. I am not alone because I see her in the world around me through my children and grandchildren, friends and neighbors, and all who know her. Life will never be the same, but it offers opportunities to live, grow, and change. Take some time with my friends and find the peace that helps you to grow and live your new life. Change is hard, but it’s with the ride.
