When our wives die, we often lose the one person who loved us:
- Unreservedly,
- no matter what idiotic things we did,
- despite our failings, our weaknesses, and our bad habits, and
- even though we may have failed them at times.
All of these “failings” may lead us into a path of self-loathing, doubts, and self-punishing behaviors such as drinking too much, taking drugs, perusing porno websites, or gambling our savings away. Even worse we may drive away those who still love us.
I talk about this subject often because it can lead to a self-destructive cycle of pain and misery which shuts the door on reengaging with life again in a positive way. You can never hope to enjoy life again except by overcoming this state of mind and behavior.
So, where do you start?
One key way to start is by confronting all the negative thoughts that may be taking over your existence. It is easy to become obsessed with these thoughts, and to accept your self-evaluation of yourself as not worthy of a “good life.” This negativity becomes self-feeding and self-fulfilling. Every negative behavior you engage in only makes it more difficult to extricate yourself from this horrible place.
Suppose you were fortunate and had been in a good marriage where your wife did love you unreservedly, as mentioned above. In that case, I ask you, “Why did you suddenly become this horrible, negative person unworthy of love?”
I think the answer is obvious: You are still the same person your wife loved. And your job now is to prove that you are still worthy of that love. Granted, that love may now come from family, friends, workmates, and neighbors. And you may have to earn it by being willing to express love first.
How do you do that?? By giving back! By taking the initiative! By being the first one to reach out to someone who is struggling themselves. This may take the form of:
- Babysitting your grandkids
- Helping a neighbor with their yard work
- Volunteering at your local school, hospital, food bank, library, hospice, etc.
- Driving veterans to their medical appointments
- Donating to area causes that you and your wife believed in
- Joining a local nonprofit board
- Taking on a cause your wife was committed to
In other words, there are unlimited ways for you to give back. You may be surprised by how much love you get back and by how much better you will feel about yourself. You will find that your health improves along with your improving self-perception.
And finally, ask yourself: “What would your wife want for you? Would she want you to be circling the drain of self-induced pain and grief, or would she want you to be active, reengaged with life, and continuing to find ways to love and be loved?”
I think you know the answer.
© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower – available through most booksellers and libraries.
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